Kaikoura and onward. And a slight rant

So I have departed the south island and now find myself back in Wellington. It's been a while since I've been here but the weather is the same. Little bit cold and windy. Kaikoura was pretty nice, it was unfortunately ruined by two things. First and foremost, a large cloud settled upon the big dramatic mountains that were my main reason for visiting. So most of the time I couldn't actually see them. The second and much bigger problem came when I started on the Peninsula Walkway, a 3-4 hour scenic walk around the Kaikoura peninsula taking in great views of the coast and mountains. There was I'd say over 100 people on the track. You see I've been used to New Zealand pre tourist season. If you ever come here, do NOT come any time between late December and February I think it is. It is horrible. They ruin the country. On the track there was nearly fucking queues for viewpoints! Queues on a bloody walking track! And every time you find some nice quiet spot to sit down and relax, you turn around and theres ten people making videos and taking photos and looking agitated that you've gotten in their way. Felt like wading into them and sending them off the cliff.

On the subject of tourists.* Here's a few things that annoy me.

1. In every hostel I go to, there's always at least one person (more sometimes depending on the hostel) who feels the need to show how unbelievably cool and well traveled they are. They speak very loudly (and are usually but not always British) and these people feel the need to talk to everyone. Everyone. They begin under the pretext that they are interested in you and your travels. Ask a few perfunctory questions then gradually turn it around to all the cool places they've been. The same people are also very fond of speaking of their opinions very loudly and openly. These opinions are usually a little bit different and quirky, just to make it extra clear that they have an opinion. Now as annoying as I find these people I wouldn't complain about them, others appear to like them, if they did not insist on talking to me as well.
My usual position in a hostel lounge, is a corner somewhere, preferably darkened somewhat. With my earphones playing loud to drown out the conversation around me and reading a book/playing my ds depending on my mood. I don't think I look like I want to talk, in actual fact am consciously making an effort to make myself less approachable. Yet these wankers, are so sure of their greatness they will still sit down in front/ beside me. And ask "So where are you from?". Sod off and talk to one of these other goons who are more than happy to indulge you, I think but usually respond with very short polite answers. Ask them no questions about themselves and patiently wait for them to leave.

2. People making videos of everything. WHY!? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why make a video of a mountain or a landscape? Just take a picture, please. Now I have no problem with people making some videos. I'll admit to get the true scale of some things it is sometimes necessary but to you people who go around with the video camera glued to your hand all the time. There is a very special place in hell reserved for you.

3. On the subject of cameras. Tourists with huge professional cameras(and some even with tripods) that they have no idea how to use. You have no business with one of these cameras unless you are involved with photography professionally. All these people couldn't be professional and I've seen people with lenses over a foot long. Taking pictures of scenery. How much money did you waste on that stupid camera so you could look like a pro. You don't need it! Idiots. As I've said, I've no problem with people with these cameras who are actually involved in photography.

4. Bunk beds. Whoever invented bunk beds, may you rot in hell for all eternity.

5. Gamers in internet cafes. Why do they insist on shouting? Why do they get so excited. There are several of them right now shouting. "Kill that fucker bro!" "Shit cuz I 'm dead" "inaudible sounds of dismay"

Ah venting. That makes me feel better.

Now, so I'm in Wellington. I've applied for several jobs here and if I don't hear back from them by this evening then I move on in the morning. Westward, towards Mt Taranaki where lonely planet informs me there is a distinct lack of tourists.

Bob the Barber

I still have some time to kill so here's a little story about my friend "Bob the Barber"
When last I was in Christchurch(I'm here again on my two hour stop by the way). I decided that I would like to get a hot towel shave. So I rambled the streets in search of a barber that could provide the service. After the first half hour or so I was somewhat disheartened as I had found nothing only 'trendy' hairdressers that would sooner shave themselves bald than deal with facial hair (unless its to do a really cool little smig of some kind. You know the really cool little ones. Or a 'soul patch' man I'd love to have one of those). So I was about to give up when I spotted the red and white cylinder thingy (I'm sure there's a word for it but I could not be arse) that signifies a barber. So down the alley I went to find 'Bobs Barbers. No.1 local man'* On the window there was a list of services with prices, hot towel shave was there but curiously the price had been inexpertly removed. I figured I may as well so I went inside and sat down. I was soon greeted by a rather small Asian man. Who smiled quite a lot. "Hallo, how can I hewlp you?" I told him I would like a hot towel shave. At this point I kind of believed that he was some kind of assistant but alas no. He responded "oooooooh" and then " ah yes *something obscure that sounded a bit like "hofe shave"*. He ushered me to the barber seat. When I sat down two things alerted me to the fact that something was not quite right. The first the 'barber certificate' pinned on the mirror. Tsutsumoro Akihiro. 14 years exepeience in Japan. At this point I figured Bob had sold his little business to Mr. Akihiro and Mr.Akihiro had figured that Tsutsumoro's Barbers didn't have the same ring to it.
Second problem as I was thinking about the first problem good old Tsutsumoro had already started shaving me, with an electric razor. Now I'm no barber but I'm pretty sure elecrtic razors don't feature too much in the hot towel shave process. I pointed out to him that I wanted a hot towel shave. After a patient 5 minutes of explaining he said "Aaaaaah yes, I sorry my english not so good". So problem resolved. Then he switched razors to slightly bigger one and started going again. I must say at this point was felling unsure about trying to succeed in explaining to him what a hot towel shave is cause then he'd have a razor blade to my throat.
I endeavoured to explain one last time. Very slowly and with a lot of hand gestures (which is the universal langauge used when talking to someone who doesn't understand you. Works wonderfully. Really)
After this I felt like maybe I had managed it. He said "Ooooooh" then scratched his chin a bit and said "Aaaaaaaah". He then disappeared into a back room. Ah now we're getting somewhere. Then he returned with a different electric razor and began again. In the end I settled for whatever it was he thought a hot towel shave was. Turned out to be a trim.
Then I had to show him how to work his credit card machine, could have charged myself whatever I liked but I'm nice so I paid the actual price.
"Thank you much, and you come use me again" he said as I beat a rather hasty retreat

How does it feel to be on your own, no direction home?

These two are the same view, five minutes passed between the taking of these photos, you see, very changeable

Well not as bad as you might expect. At times it is quite boring, as you know I am fantastic but it is terribly difficult to keep myself entertained 24 hours a day. Hence I've been through three books in the past two weeks and played quite a lot of Nintendo Ds.

For the past 8 days I've been living in Dunedin, working for a rather unscrupulous character and with a very nice Czech couple. I originally feared, as stated in my earlier post, that he had "hired"* me because he was under the impression that I was some kind of expert gardener. Oddly enough after one day in the garden he asked to start stripping wallpaper inside. This may or may not have had something to do with fact that on my first day in the garden I just killed just about everything in sight. Leaving a barren patch of dirt about 5 x 2 metres. Well I did exactly what my time with conservation volunteers taught me to do. Kill non natives. You see whats considered a weed in conservation work isn't quite the same as what's considered a week in household gardening So after that I was stripping wallpaper all week (with one brief escape to the garden, where I rained more death down upon those pesky non natives. The Czech guy was a bit surprised I think. He was delicately hand weeding everthing. Then I emerge with a Hoe, the garden tool not the other kind, and start hacking into everything and anything). It was somewhat dull. The weather was also insane. Dunedin has the most changeable climate I've ever seen. Had everything from pleasant summers days to the worst hailstorm I've ever. The hail storm was pretty cool. We happened to be on the top of a rather exoposed hill at the time. When we got there it was nice and sunny, then as we looked down from the view point black clouds rolled in at either side and a chilling wind began to howl around the the radio tower on top of the hill . Then before we knew it the cloud was everywhere, you'll see in my pictures above...

What else did I do in Dunedin....
Ah I hung around in a lot of second hand bookshops, as I said I read a lot. Oh! AND I had MY OWN ROOM and A TV! It was amazing, and our 'boss' though unscrupulous was pretty lax on the work side of things so I selpt in til like 10/11 every day and then did bout 3 hours work. It was pretty good. Though as I said boring. What else... Went to see Royal Albatross. Huge things wingspan of close to 3.5 metres. That's probably twice my height, and they're lazy buggers. They don't fly, they only go into to the air if its windy and glide about on the breeze. They do look very cool in highwinds, their flight resembling that of jet plane.

And thats' about it for Dunedin. Met up with the lovely Delphine again, who I met originally on Stewart Island and who hails from New Caledonia. And today I'm on the road again. On my way to Kaikoura, home of seals, dolphins, whales and albatross. And also great big mountains that come right down to the sea. I'm staying there before I resume my journey north. Thus far I've only planned as far as Wellington, will arrive there Wednesday and following a somewhat open plan route after that. I intend to wander my way back up the north island looking for work on my way. Slowly going back towards Auckland and if I don't find anything before I get there I'm homeward bound. Bout as good a plan as any I reckon? Some interesting things left to see, including Mt. Taranaki (Which is a mirror image of Mt. Fuji in japan I'm told. So much so it was used as Mt. Fuji in 'The Last Samurai') and then there's Tongariro national park which is home to the mountain they used as Mt. Doom. Can't remember the name of that one, is some silly Maori name.

So that's about all I have to say for now, will update if anything of import comes to pass.

*I say 'hire' but I don't think that hire is the right word, I wasn't being paid after all...

A post written out of boredom.

I haven't written a post out of sheer boredom for a long time. Not since Hamilton in fact. Well I am that bored and now I don't even have any Germans to entertain me. So to keep me occupied I shall impart to you my musings on German foreign policy.

They are taking over the world you see. Slowly but surely. No, you say? They've learned from the past and now are no longer bent on world domination, that we should look to the Americans or the ever 'evil' Russians for plans of world domination. Well you're right about one thing they have learned from their mistakes. At some unspecified time after world war 2 the 'secret leaders' of Germany sat down to discuss their next move. How they would take back what was rightfully theirs and make the rest of the world pay for the embarrassment that followed the second world war. Seated at the table were all the usual evil villain type suspects, they spoke in that stereotypical evil villain accent.
"Ve must take back vaht vas lost" they said. "But how to do it?"
"Build a massive army, the like of which the world has never seen" said one.
This idea was dismissed.
"Utilize the hatred and despair currently widespread in the country and turn it on an easy to single out minority group, then use said hatred to our own means"
This man was kindly asked to leave.
"Ve could just not take over the vorld you know? Just because ve are Germans does not mean ve must be evil. Vhy can't we all just get along?"
There was an uneasy silence followed by an abrupt cough. This man bowed his head and slunk back in shame.
"Gentlemen, I shall present to you the weapon of the future." said another, he was tall wore a uniform complete with hat and had an eye patch of course "Behold, the BP mk1" A man then walked to the center of the assorted villains. They could tell he was not one of them instantly. His hair was not neat  and tightly cut as was customary, it was just a little bit and ever so slightly messy. He wore a sleeveless top with "Save water, drink beer" written on the front. He wore sandals and a pair of Hawaiian shorts with those really big pockets.

"Vith this veapon ve shall rule the world. Gentlemen, this is a backpacker"
There was murmurs of confusion. How could such a creature help them take over the world? What use could it possibly be? It didn't even look like a stereotypical German. Mr. eyepatch explained ; First every second new born child would be fitted with a computer chip when born. The first job of this computer would be to instill within the child a wish to travel and broaden their horizons. So half the population of Germany would go and make their way elsewhere in the world. The second function gave them a sense of humor and made them appear to be easy going and nice individuals*. To lull the world into a false sense of confidence. These backpackers then bide their time. Some even settling down, building families. All their offspring of course will be chipped too.  The the third and final function of the chip. Well lets just say we don't really ever want to see this function implemented. For the backpackers reach far and number many and the world would be able to withstand their rise.**


*You ever meet those really dull Germans? You know the ones that you'd cross a busy motor way to avoid. Well they're the rare few that travel and were not actually chipped when born.
**You see what happens when I get too bored!? I do hope I haven't insulted any of my German friends with this post. You might think I'm a bit mad but go traveling for a while and you'll see how many of them there are...

I've found something

So I've found some work. It's not exactly gainful employment but it'll keep me here a while longer and safe me from spending so much money. Working with a guy called Steve who is renovating his house to make into some form of accomodation. And you might ask "Huh rennovation, how did you get that? With no experience in such work". Well maybe I should have asked myslef the same question.

Anyhow, he was showing me around the house and telling me every that needs to be done. Wall paper stripping, painting etc. Then he said something along the lines of "well you won't really be here much". It was then the alarm bells started ringing. Our little tour brought us outside. "Now this is more you forte". The garden. You see I had entirely forgotten that I had put my time with CVNZ on my CV. "Conservation Volunteers New Zealand : Wide variety of work on different projects. Including planting, weeding and pest control". I have put him under the impression that I am some kind of expert gardener. I am not. At this point I started saying to myself "Shit. Shit. Shit." Even s I said out loud, 'oh it doesn't look too bad' and 'oh I've seen much worse than this with the conservation work'. And informed him rather knowingly which plants were weeds and which weren't. Despite the fact that I don't actually know. Aside from the obvious like thistles.
So tomorrow I start work on the garden. As gardens go I don't think it's too bad, it's quite big and a bit overgrown but I figure it's not too much work. I hope. Ah what's the worst that can happen, I'm not being paid so... Will you keep you posted on how this develops.

So what next?

                                           An awesome picture of me and Birtta at the airport

So after Stewart Island I accompanied Britta here to Queenstown, where yesterday she caught a flight to Sydney. Britta was one of the coolest people I've met here.  At first she appears to be very quiet and shy, however once you get to know her you find out the opposite is in fact true. She's prone to punching people and telling customers to fuck off. There's also that sarcastic sense of humor of hers which she keeps pretty hidden most of the time. So anyway yeah I've had some of my best days here in New Zealand in the company of this lady. I wish her the best of luck in the Australia and I hope everything works out for her. With any luck I'll see her again sometime soon.

Oh I've also realized that I haven't told you about Queenstown, or at least I don't think I have even though I've been here like 3 times now. Queenstown is a beautiful little town nestled among huge mountains and at the edge of pretty lake. So what? You might say, everything is mountains and lakes in NZ. Well Queenstown is the extreme sports capital of the world(self proclaimed I am sure). So you walk through the streets turn your eye to the sky and you will undoubtedly see any number of people floating around on parachutes of some kind, or look to the lake to see large jet boats speeding around. There is also any number of things that you can jump off of or swing across(canyons and such). It's a shame I have no interest in any of these things I think. Anyway I'm off to Dunedin later on where I'm going to begin looking for some sort of employment. Wish me luck. I reckon I'll need it

Lost at the bottom of the world (or what I did for my Christmas holidays)

So it was some time ago I realised that it was looking increasingly likely that I would be by myself for Christmas. All the Germans were leaving and for a while I didn't quite know what to do. So I decided to get a midget... Wait no that wasn't it... In general I'm not a huge fan of Christmas but I figured it would probably be better if I wasn't alone. Ah yes that was it, there was Britta. Who to my knowledge at the time was wandering somewhere in the south island woofing. Woofing is.. I don't know what the acronym stands for but it's basically where you work for bed and board. Anyway I tried to get in contact with her a couple of times ands failed. Called and text etc. Then I found through the amazing medium of facebook I found out that she was down in Stewart Island working in a restaurant. The most remote place in New Zealand. An hour boat trip off the south coast. So I swiftly made plans to head down that way. Which was a bit of a trek, at this point I was in Christchurch. Quite a bit away from Stewart island. Took me close to ten hours of a trip to get to the port where the ferry goes from. I must admit on the bus on the way down I was a bit worried about the whole affair. I hadn't seen Britta in a long time and I was a small bit afraid it was going to all be a bit awkward. When I got off the boat to the island I was greeted by Britta and her fellow restaurant workers and cookies. If this wasn't enough to allay my fears later I went to the pub with them where did not have to pay for a single drink. The owner of the restaurant, which is called Church Hill by the way and he is called Gary, is one of the most generous people I've ever met. A gracious host. After the pub closed he said we'll have to go back to Church Hill. For some reason I was a bit behind them on the walk back. And here I shall describe an incredibly surreal scene. We trudge up the hill to the restaurant, coming to overgrown path that leads to the front door, a few unkempt trees and ferns reach across, looking mildly threatening in the darkness. Emerging from the path, you see the restaurant, the flickering light of the fire through the window. There is music playing. to fully get the strangeness of the scene you need to know the song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1SEd6Oyn0M. Inside the restaurant in the main dining area the tables have been pushed aside and the there's people dancing. The large fireplace is at the center of the room. Some candles have been lit and the light of the fire makes silhouettes of the dancers. To add even more to atmosphere the restaurant's Frisian chef Styhze dances in a style that I would compare to Bill Bailey. There is woman from the pub alternating between cackling in the corner and dancing around the room. I'm told to help myself to beer from the fridge and also we're allowed to smoke. This all went on to about 5 in the morning, with the music varying between Bob Dylan, Pink Floyd Johnny Cash and just about everything else you can imagine. It was one of the coolest experiences I have had here thus far.

So I spent 5 days down in Stewart island, with the hospitality of Gary never wavering. Spent the few days in the company of the lovely Delphine, Bernadette and Britta. Was even invited to Christmas dinner with them, which was lovely. How many of you got your Christmas dinner done by a professional chef?
I thoroughly  enjoyed my time on the island, it was like stepping out of the world for a few days. No phone reception and internet so dear it's impractical. The island itself is mostly wilderness aside from the little settlement of Oban. My excursions into said wilderness were limited at best, just some short walks. Could you blame me? Great company and beer just down the road from my hostel. The dining room in Church Hill with the fire going, after the customers have all gone home is one of the most comfortable places I've had the pleasure of being. So I whiled away my evenings on Stewart Island there talking away with the wonderful Church Hill girls. Also must give a mention to Sythze who I only met a couple of times but enjoyed his company quite a bit. An entirely unique character, who has given me some new music to get interested in. So yeah my Christmas was great. If any of you Church Hill people ever find your way to my little blog a very big thanks goes out to you. You provided a haven for a freeloading Irishman such as myself.